I remember my wedding day perfectly: I was wearing this incredible dress, my makeup was flawless and my hair looked amazing. I had the perfect venue and most powerful vows…
Haha…just kidding…I’ve never been married. I’m single with no prospects; which I’m actually totally okay with because it allows me, no, gives me the privilege to be apart of the very prestigious community that is: online dating.
I used to be terrified of online dating…like seriously terrified. I watched many Lifetime movies that were responsible for creating and reinforcing this fear. However, you know what they say – practice makes perfect. So that is exactly what I did. I just dated until I wasn’t freaked out by it anymore. Now, I consider myself an online dater somewhere between the beginner and intermediate levels.
One thing you should know about me is that I do a lot for comedic purposes, however, that was never my intention when signing up for these sites. Intention – no. Outcome – yes.
So, here it is – the 4 reasons I find online dating hysterical and fascinating:
- 95% of the male online dating population are to blame for making me feel like the laziest person ever. I call it like it is on my dating profiles – I talk about my obvious traits: being short, adorable and sarcastic while also stating my favorite activities – Netflix. Now, I need to be honest about something – when I first wrote this on my profiles, I was not aware of this whole “Netflix and Chill” thing that people now keep posting about on the social media. Yunno, the thing where apparently you invite someone over to watch Netflix and then engage in non-Netflix-adult-activities.So, when I say I like watching Netflix, I really mean it.My point is, almost every male dating profile I come across states their intense joy regarding hiking, fishing and skiing. What? I am not, at all, saying a person can’t be active, but stop. You binge watch Netflix just as much as I do; lets not build our relationship on a foundation of lies.
- The reason why I date at all is to try and ensure I have someone to pick up my blood pressure pills for me when I don’t feel like driving in the snow. And, as a side gig, marry me and help me afford to raise a sarcastic mini-me with killer dimples. That being said, I’m looking for a relationship but I am really looking to meet someone, click with them and take it from there.I am not looking to start choosing items for the registry before the first time we meet. So when I receive messages on sites with guys who introduce themselves and then tell me about their good credit, home ownership and desire to settle down in the first message…I’m a little standoffish. Someone initiating contact with me in this way completely freaks me out because I am 1) concerned you say this to most females and 2) would like to meet you and make an assessment on whether I want to accept his engagement ring when we meet at Starbucks for the first time.I get why guys do it – well most of them. I think they think this is what girls want to hear. Maybe it is. I am not sure. I have never been a normal girl so I’m probably not going to fall in line now.
- The funniest part of online dating to me just happens to be the part that freaked me out about it the most upon first signing up: The incredibly crass, inappropriate, borderline- harassing messages that are sent. To me, these are simply the online version of street harassment and I just think it’s ridiculous. In what world is this okay and what are the people who send them hoping the response will be? These folks aren’t 13 years old in an AOL chatroom, so I am almost positive the messages aren’t being sent as a humorous past time with friends. The only thing that makes sense is that guys actually think the woman will respond in a favorable manner; how?
I always wonder, when someone messages me with with a crude message, do they think my response will be “omgosh! Thank you! Take me now!”
I don’t read minds so I will save us all a bunch of time and just say it’s because the guys sending these are rude and fail to respect women. There, secrets out.
- Lastly, the nude/explicit/out of shower profile pictures. Here I am, trying to make sure my profile pictures don’t display too much cleavage when some of these guys are stepping right out of the shower and snapping a photo in the mirror. I mean, I’m thinking a few things when I see this –
- Nice Body
- Did you plan on taking this profile picture prior to showering?
- Sir, how is your mirror not all fogged up from your shower? What is your trick?
I don’t know…it just seems like a lot of work to go through for a hook up and far too little work for someone who is looking for a relationship.
All of this stuff – totally my fault. I should’ve buckled down in college, kept my head down and worked hard…to find a husband. Instead, I had a ton of fun and made friends I will have for the rest of my life while dedicating ample attention to a line of work that ended up being my career…
You win some, you lose some…
My point is – dating isn’t necessarily hard but finding the right partner can be. That being said, hopefully my continued presence in the online dating scene will eventually result in me wearing a mermaid cut bridal gown while participating in a bride and groom dance routine at my reception.
If not, I hope you will all tune in to watch me on the next season of Married at First Sight.